(With the deepest apologies to Dr. Seuss....for associating Dalton with one of his characters.....)
Every Tory-o in Ontario
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Dalton McGrinchity,
Who has no idea what's happening outside Toronto,
The McGrinchity hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. There are too many reasons.
It could be that he couldn't tax Christmas lights.
It could be that he couldn't regulate Christmas tree height.
But I think that the most likely reason I know,
Was that he couldn't force Ontarians to buy their eggnog from the LCBO.
Whatever the reason,
Be it lights, trees, or booze,
He knew that next year he was going to lose!
Staring down from his mansion with that McGrinchity smile
Sitting high atop his tax revenue pile
For he knew every Tory-o was beaming with pride
As they worked to toss Dalton out on his backside!
"And they're ahead in the polls!" he snarled with pure hate.
"Though I've bribed all the voters with my HST rebates!"
Then he growled, to his Liberal insider friends nervously spinning,
"We MUST find a way to keep Hudak from winning!"
For, in 2011, he knew...
...All the Ontario boys and golls
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to the polls!
And then Premier Hudak would drastically cut spending!
That's one thing McGrinch hated! The spending would be ending!
Then the Tories, he knew, would end government waste!
No more waste! No more waste!
No more WASTE! WASTE! WASTE! WASTE!
They'd bring accountable government, where the wheels couldn't be greased!
Which was something McGrinchity couldn't stand in the least!
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every tax in Ontario, the tall and the small,
Would be cut and the personal tax rate would start to fall!
They'd stop the eco-tax. The HST would be slashed!
They'd slash! And they'd slash!
AND they'd SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
And the more the McGrinch thought of the Hudak-Tax-Slash
The more the McGrinch thought, "I can't lose all that cash!
"I can't be fed Lib leader without that cash cow!
I MUST stop Tim Hudak from winning!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE MCGRINCHITY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" said that mean McGrinch guy.
He took some of his tax base and made a great big ad buy.
(Seriously, he's going to come out with negative ads during or just after the holiday season. What a Grinch! And after his campaign chair said there'd be no negative advertising, too!)And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Dalton trick!
"My own record is crap, so I'll make negative ads stick!"
"All I need is a smear quote..."
The McGrinch looked around.
But since Hudak is quite clean, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the McGrinch...?
No! The McGrinch simply said,
"If I can't find a smear quote, I'll make up some instead!"
So he called his chief spinner, who can't be named of course.
(Though this clown hears that spinner's going through a nasty divorce)
He got some scary music
And some old empty attacks
And a creepy voice-over
And some dim Liberal hacks.
Then McGrinch said, "Start smearing!"
And the hacks all dug down
Whipping up the kind of hysteria
For which McGrinch was reknowned.
All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
It was holiday time for Ontarians everywhere
They weren't thinking about politics, they were trying to have fun!
But for unabashed partisanship, McGrinchy couldn't be outdone
First he got the front page of the Toronna Star,
Just by buying Bob Hepburn a few drinks at the bar.
He called his union buddies at the Working Families Coalition,
And he sent them out with an all-new attack mission.
Then he told his young staffers to take the day off,
("These staffers are not my friends' kids," he would scoff)
He gave the staffers negative ads, and to the subway stops they'd slough!
(But after about 5 minutes these Liberal staffers went to the bar and got hammered. Of course, the Star reported the 5 minutes they spent protesting as the major news event of the day)
These negative ads were both silly and cloying,
All the same old attacks that are very annoying
"Stupid! Republicans! Racists! Crazies!
Mike Harris! Walkerton! Big Business! Nazis!"
And he made more false promises, because that worked before
That McGrinchity Dalton said he'd give away the store!
He'd give 20 more holidays! A 10-minute work week!
He'd replace the Ombudsman with one of his own clique!
He'd end racism, poverty, and all difference in wealth!
But McGrinch did not promise he could fix eHealth!
And if Hudak defeated any Liberal MPP,
Then McGrinch would appoint 'em to the M.P.A.C!
He would quietly pass the eco-fee that he loved,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Hu(dak)!
Little Miller Hudak, who was not more than two.
McGrinch had been caught by Tim Hudak's daughter
(Even she could see right through the lies that he'd brought her.)
She stared at McGrinch and said, "Dalton M., why,
"Can't you stop being a Premier Dad kind of a guy?"
But, you know, that McGrinch was so slimy and slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. (He'd had lots of practice.)
"Because I care about people!" the fake Dalty Claus lied,
"If it wasn't for me, then we all would have died."
"I take Ontario forward! Backward we must not go!"
"We don't need mean spirited Tory government, no!"
His fib didn't fool the child, but who cares what she thought
Cause she couldn't vote yet and her vote couldn't be bought
(But with full-day daycare and early sex education,
She'd vote Lib soon enough, thanks to the Teachers' Federation.)
The last thing Dalton swore
Was no new taxes, ever.
Which was something that he'd lied about since forever.
And when people didn't buy that, he just said, "Whatever!".
And the one speck of truth
That came off of his tongue-le
Was a lame half-apology for the G20 bungle.
He kept making promises
Burning cash all the while
Wasting hard earned tax dollars
Like it was going out of style
Kept on bashing Tim Hudak
And his whole PC team
Never seeing his attack tactics
Were running out of steam
And then he and his caucus! (The ones who hadn't yet quit)
Worked themselves up into a partisan fit!
Though they were all preparing, the young and the old-farty
To succeed Grinchy D as the next leader of the party!
"Ho ho ho, On-Toryo's!" they were grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out that no PC government is coming!
"They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Who-daks down in Hudak-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned McGrinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And McGrinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded angry!
His campaign had blown up in his face with a BANG-ry!
The voters were P.O.'ed!
They were done with McGrinchy!
They wanted this lame Premier out in a pinch-y!
Every Tory-o in Ontario was ready for war!
The voters could not afford McGrinchity anymore!
He HADN'T stopped Hudak from winning!
And as soon as he did, all the Lib insiders bailed!
And McGrinchity was left to boo-hoo and whine
About how, two years ago, he should have resigned!
"I lost all my pull! I lost all my power!"
"Justin will be Fed Lib leader! The thought makes me sour!"
And he whined for three hours, `till his whiner was sore.
Then McGrinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Conservatives," he thought, "aren't people I should abhor!"
"Maybe Conservatives...perhaps..should be listened to more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Hudak-ville they say
That Dalton McGrinchity
Became his brother David's constituency office assistant that day!
For Liberals never learn, and they never stop spending
Which is why, across Canada, Liberal parties are ending
And soon Charest will lose! And the B.C. Libs, too!
That's the end of this poem!