Sunday, December 19, 2010

Holiday Interview With Dalton McGrinchity!

The Clown At Midnight is pleased to announce that the one and only Premier Dalton McGrinchity has granted a request for an exclusive interview. We caught up with our beloved Premier at yesterday's OPCYA/OPCCA Christmas Party. A full transcript follows:




TCAM: Mr. Premier, thank you so much for being here.

DM: The pleasure is all mine, Mr. J.

TCAM: Yes, you're certainly correct there, it is all yours. You're looking a little green as of late, Mr. Premier.

DM: Please, call me Mr. Grinch. I have to start getting used to people not calling me "Premier" anymore. Well, that's because having to backtrack so much makes me nauseous, you know. Of course, the people of Ontario are sick of me too, so I guess it must be catching.

TCAM: Well, it's definitely true that disgust with your government has gone viral.

DM: You know what else has gone viral? The Backtrack Boogie! Seriously, it's like the soundtrack to my life! All of our lives!



TCAM: Actually Mr. Grinch, I think the soundtrack to your life would be more of the death-metal genre.

DM: You think so? I was hoping it would be more horrorcore. But, there's no accounting for people's taste, which is probably how I got elected in the first place.

TCAM: How do you do the Backtrack Boogie, Mr. Grinch?

DM: Well, it's kind of like the Moonwalk, only you don't look cool at all while you're doing it.

TCAM: Moving on....why are you wearing a mask, Mr. Grinch?

DM: If you had my record, you'd wear a mask in public too, or maybe a bag over your head. But this way, I don't have to do that fake smile of mine anymore. The mask's smile is a lot more realistic, I feel.

TCAM: Mr. Grinch, what do you have to say about the Peter Fonseca screwup?

DM: Awww, that Ignatieff is always trying to prove he can be a more ineffectual leader than me. It's kind of a competition we Liberal leaders have: Who can go nowhere the fastest? Also, Peter Fonseca is actually talented, and we can't have talented people making me look bad. He had to go.

TCAM: Mr. Grinch, how would you respond to allegations that you are, in fact, a nasty-wasty skunk?

DM: Skunks are black and white, and I only see things in green. You know, like money?

TCAM: It's not that easy being green, is it, Mr. Grinch? Though you have a rather black and white view towards conservatives, in that you think all conservatives are bad people, so maybe the skunk analogy is not too far off.

DM: It's definitely true that my government stinks quite a bit. In fact the three words that best describe it are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk. However, there is quite a bit of prejudice against green people in our society. You look in positions of power, even in my own government, and how many green people do you see? Exactly. You're not prejudiced against green people, are you, Mr. J? Because if you are, maybe a trip to the Human Rights Commission is in order.

TCAM: Well you can colour me unimpressed at the levels of anti-green racism in Ontario, Mr. Grinch. Though I think your government might be green with envy at Tim Hudak's recent good luck. 

DM: We're certainly creating lots of green jobs! Green jobs for green people, and white-collar jobs for white people, that's Dalton's Ontario for you!

TCAM: But green jobs take away employment, Mr. Grinch. They make people feel blue.

DM: Why paint green jobs with such a broad brush? They constitute a rainbow of opportunity, even though they do cost the equivalent of a pot of gold.

TCAM: I think Stephen Taylor may delete this blog if we make any more colour puns, so let's bring this interview to a close. Any final words?

DM: Why, am I about to be hanged by the voters? Seriously though, I've screwed Ontario voters so many times that they must feel like chimneys that have had Christmas trees stuffed up them.

TCAM: Well, that image will be stuck in my mind forever, so thanks again Mr. Grinch. Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 17, 2010

How Dalton Stole Christmas!

(With the deepest apologies to Dr. Seuss....for associating Dalton with one of his characters.....)

Every Tory-o in Ontario
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Dalton McGrinchity,
Who has no idea what's happening outside Toronto,
Did NOT!

The McGrinchity hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. There are too many reasons.
It could be that he couldn't tax Christmas lights.
It could be that he couldn't regulate Christmas tree height.
But I think that the most likely reason I know,

Was that he couldn't force Ontarians to buy their eggnog from the LCBO.
But,
Whatever the reason,
Be it lights, trees, or booze,
He knew that next year he was going to lose!
Staring down from his mansion with that McGrinchity smile
Sitting high atop his tax revenue pile
For he knew every Tory-o was beaming with pride
As they worked to toss Dalton out on his backside!

"And they're ahead in the polls!" he snarled with pure hate.
"Though I've bribed all the voters with my HST rebates!"
Then he growled, to his Liberal insider friends nervously spinning,
"We MUST find a way to keep Hudak from winning!"
For, in 2011, he knew...


...All the Ontario boys and golls
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to the polls!
And then Premier Hudak would drastically cut spending!
That's one thing McGrinch hated! The spending would be ending!

Then the Tories, he knew, would end government waste!
No more waste! No more waste!
No more WASTE! WASTE! WASTE! WASTE!
They'd bring accountable government, where the wheels couldn't be greased!
Which was something McGrinchity couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every tax in Ontario, the tall and the small,
Would be cut and the personal tax rate would start to fall!
They'd stop the eco-tax. The HST would be slashed!

They'd slash! And they'd slash!
AND they'd SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! SLASH!
And the more the McGrinch thought of the Hudak-Tax-Slash
The more the McGrinch thought, "I can't lose all that cash!
"I can't be fed Lib leader without that cash cow!
I MUST stop Tim Hudak from winning!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE MCGRINCHITY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!"  said that mean McGrinch guy.
He took some of his tax base and made a great big ad buy.

(Seriously, he's going to come out with negative ads during or just after the holiday season. What a Grinch! And after his campaign chair said there'd be no negative advertising, too!)And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Dalton trick!
"My own record is crap, so I'll make negative ads stick!"

"All I need is a smear quote..."
The McGrinch looked around.
But since Hudak is quite clean, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the McGrinch...?
No! The McGrinch simply said,
"If I can't find a smear quote, I'll make up some instead!"
So he called his chief spinner, who can't be named of course.
(Though this clown hears that spinner's going through a nasty divorce)

THEN
He got some scary music
And some old empty attacks
And a creepy voice-over
And some dim Liberal hacks.

Then McGrinch said, "Start smearing!"
And the hacks all dug down
Whipping up the kind of hysteria
For which McGrinch was reknowned.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
It was holiday time for Ontarians everywhere
They weren't thinking about politics, they were trying to have fun!
But for unabashed partisanship, McGrinchy couldn't be outdone
First he got the front page of the Toronna Star,

Just by buying Bob Hepburn a few drinks at the bar.
He called his union buddies at the Working Families Coalition,
And he sent them out with an all-new attack mission.
Then he told his young staffers to take the day off,
("These staffers are not my friends' kids," he would scoff)

He gave the staffers negative ads, and to the subway stops they'd slough!
(But after about 5 minutes these Liberal staffers went to the bar and got hammered. Of course, the Star reported the 5 minutes they spent protesting as the major news event of the day)   
These negative ads were both silly and cloying,
All the same old attacks that are very annoying
"Stupid! Republicans! Racists! Crazies!
Mike Harris! Walkerton! Big Business! Nazis!"
And he made more false promises, because that worked before 

That McGrinchity Dalton said he'd give away the store!
He'd give 20 more holidays! A 10-minute work week!
He'd replace the Ombudsman with one of his own clique!
He'd end racism, poverty, and all difference in wealth!
But McGrinch did not promise he could fix eHealth!

And if Hudak defeated any Liberal MPP,
Then McGrinch would appoint 'em to the M.P.A.C! 

He would quietly pass the eco-fee that he loved,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Hu(dak)!
Little Miller Hudak, who was not more than two.

McGrinch had been caught by Tim Hudak's daughter
(Even she could see right through the lies that he'd brought her.)
She stared at McGrinch and said, "Dalton M., why,
"Can't you stop being a Premier Dad kind of a guy?"

But, you know, that McGrinch was so slimy and slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. (He'd had lots of practice.) 
"Because I care about people!" the fake Dalty Claus lied,
"If it wasn't for me, then we all would have died."
"I take Ontario forward! Backward we must not go!"
"We don't need mean spirited Tory government, no!"

His fib didn't fool the child, but who cares what she thought
Cause she couldn't vote yet and her vote couldn't be bought
(But with full-day daycare and early sex education,
She'd vote Lib soon enough, thanks to the Teachers' Federation.)

The last thing Dalton swore
Was no new taxes, ever.
Which was something that he'd lied about since forever.
And when people didn't buy that, he just said, "Whatever!".

And the one speck of truth
That came off of his tongue-le
Was a lame half-apology for the G20 bungle.


Then
He kept making promises
Burning cash all the while 

Wasting hard earned tax dollars
Like it was going out of style

Kept on bashing Tim Hudak
And his whole PC team
Never seeing his attack tactics
Were running out of steam
And then he and his caucus! (The ones who hadn't yet quit)
Worked themselves up into a partisan fit! 

Though they were all preparing, the young and the old-farty
To succeed Grinchy D as the next leader of the party!
"Ho ho ho, On-Toryo's!" they were grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out that no PC government is coming!
"They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Who-daks down in Hudak-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned McGrinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And McGrinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded angry!
His campaign had blown up in his face with a BANG-ry! 

The voters were P.O.'ed!
They were done with McGrinchy!
They wanted this lame Premier out in a pinch-y! 

Every Tory-o in Ontario was ready for war!
The voters could not afford McGrinchity anymore!
He HADN'T stopped Hudak from winning!
DALTON FAILED!
And as soon as he did, all the Lib insiders bailed!

And McGrinchity was left to boo-hoo and whine
About how, two years ago, he should have resigned!
"I lost all my pull! I lost all my power!"
"Justin will be Fed Lib leader! The thought makes me sour!"
And he whined for three hours, `till his whiner was sore.
Then McGrinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Conservatives," he thought, "aren't people I should abhor!"
"Maybe Conservatives...perhaps..should be listened to more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Hudak-ville they say
That Dalton McGrinchity
Became his brother David's constituency office assistant that day!
For Liberals never learn, and they never stop spending

Which is why, across Canada, Liberal parties are ending
And soon Charest will lose! And the B.C. Libs, too!
That's the end of this poem! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Go Blue!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

"We Failed"

Premier Dalton McGuinty admits his government “moved too quickly” and “failed to communicate” a secret regulatory change that police used to arrest people at the June G20 summit in Toronto.

Yes, Dalton, you certainly did. And this admission ought to put your government right on track. The backtrack, that is!

What do Dalton's Defenders have to say about this latest embarassment? Nothing. They're more worried about a nomination challenge that doesn't even involve their own party! Say, when was the last time a sitting Liberal MPP had to go through one of those, again?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Short and To The Point #4

Illegal. That's what the Ombudsman called the secret law enacted by the Liberals allowing police to detain protesters outside the G20.

Yeah, I see what you did there, Liberals. You thought everyone would be too P.O.'ed at Harper to notice you passed this thing without due oversight. You thought- just like you always do- that because you hate conservatives, everyone hates conservatives, and because everyone supposedly hates conservatives, that gives you the green light to do whatever you want. Only this time, you ticked off the wrong Ombusdman. And you got caught.

This is what we mean when we talk about the double standard, Liberals. This is why Rob Ford became Mayor of Toronto. This is why the Tea Party exists. Don't blame Fox News. Don't blame the National Post or big corporations. You did it.

And when Dalton McGuinty is punted out of office next year, it'll be because the voting public saw right through your little joke on them.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dalton McGuinty's PFZ (Premier Fouls Up Zone)

For the past week, Dalton and his gang of malcontent miscreants have been very whiny about the opposition's supposed lack of an energy plan. While it's not clear if the McPremier has an energy plan of his own in the first place, what is clear is that he told his staff to take the day off from doing any actual work and start campaigning between elections to try and convince people that being bribed with their own money is a good thing.

Now, I'm not paid to think up clever acronyms like "PFZ" all day, but I question the logic of asking the opposition to do your job for you when you are in government.

I'm not the only one questioning that logic, either. I was at the St. Paul's annual Senior's Steakhouse dinner a few days ago, with special guest John Tory, and let me tell you that even Mr. Tory is cracking on Dalton's lack of direction these days. He commented that the Premier is looking tired and unfocused, and unprepared for the amount of voter anger that's been thrown his way. In other words, the puppet's strings are getting frayed. For Liberals watching this space, that means that the guy who you rely on to say, "Boy, I wish more Conservatives were like that guy" is now saying your leader has run out of gas.

Now here comes fresh information from the Auditor General that proves that Dalton is in a PFZ of his own, showing that the Municipal Property Assessment Corporation is screwing Ontarians left and right (but mostly left, of course), and the McPremier's oft-touted numbers on ER wait times are, to be polite, balderdash.

Even worse, the report says the Education Premier isn't sure if the money he's throwing at schools to keep them safe is actually effective! What a bizarre state of affairs: the government wants the opposition to do the government's job, at the same time that the government is doing the opposition's job for them!

Then there's the hilariously wasteful expenses that tend to find their way into attack ads. The Municipal Property Assessment Corporation spent $1,700 on golf clubs and video game consoles? I know Dalton's government is out of touch, but come on guys, Wii Golf has been out for years! Couldn't you have just doubled up and forgot about the golf clubs? And you could have just installed the Wiis in your offices, closed the doors, and made it look like you were working!

Now, because we're in the business of differentiating Tim Hudak from the increasingly unfocused Dalton, I hereby dub the McPremier's new-found state of mind the "Premier F**ks Up Zone", or, to be polite once again, the "Premier Fouls Up Zone." Perhaps Mr. Tory can use the more polite version on the radio?

Hey I know....let's make a silly graphic making fun of Dalton being in a PFZ. Better yet, let's put it on a button!



See? Dalton McGuinty's in a PFZ because it says so on a graphic of a hypothetical button.

Gee, I wonder if Dalton's spin assassins will target the Auditor General the way they targeted the Ombudsman?

What's that? You still want to know what Hudak's plan is? Right now, Hudak's plan is to let Dalton McGuinty self-destruct.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

10,000 to 1

Things are looking quite good for Hudak and co. right now, but that doesn't mean we should get too comfy and cozy. There'll always be Liberals who'll throw stuff like this at us.

Then again, there are always Toronto Star front pages that reveal widespread access to objectionable websites on the part of Ontario government civil servants. The same Ontario government headed up by him.

From the article:

Confidential reports on how the province’s more than 60,000 public employees use their computers have been viewed by the Star despite strenuous efforts by Queen’s Park to prevent their release.
They show:

•Tens of thousands of hits to sites with content described as “illegal or questionable,” “drugs,” “racism and hate,” “militancy and extremist.”

Why would the government of Ontario prevent the release of such information?

Now, let me see if I can put this the right way.....hmmm...."What we don't get is why Dalton McGuinty hasn't denounced filth like this." Yeah, that's about right.

Thanks for the concern, guys, but I think your government has a bigger "militancy and extremist" problem than the Landowners.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Short and To The Point #3

You know, for a guy who has a problem with Tim Hudak's supposed lack of planning, Willowdale MPP David Zimmer sure didn't prepare too much before walking into this press conference.


While you're filing that FOI request, Dave, how about you check on the status of this one? 


How about this one, in the interests of non-partisanship? 

I think I'll submit my own Freedom of Information request to find out why the Liberals have failed to get it right on hydro rates after seven years in government. I think we're all entitled to an explanation there.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Way Too Different To Ever Be Pals


He's a tired, out of touch Premier who gets whiny when people say mean things about his energy plan. (Who's only 11 months away from retirement!)


He's a disciplined, professional Premier-in-waiting who just dominated at the Leader's Dinner in Markham. (Too bad I didn't go with the movie preview intro for this post, otherwise I'd be able to say, "This summer...Tim Hudak...is....BATMAN....seriously, am I the first one to point out how much Tim resembles Michael Keaton?)

These two couldn't possibly be more different!

-Dalton listens to his unelected experts that have gotten the province nowhere. Tim listens to actual Ontarians at haveyoursayontario.ca. 

-Dalton has introduced more taxes than I can count, even if I took off my shoes and used my toes. In his speech tonight, Tim made it clear that it's a question of which kind of tax relief Ontarians will get first.

-Dalton likes to let shadowy government funded bodies do his dirty work. Tim made it clear tonight that he will force them to justify their existence. And since there is no justification for what these assassins do, there's going to be a lot of out-of-work Liberals.

-Dalton lets overpaid consultants and government appointees decide how health care is to be run in our province. Tim has committed to supporting frontline healthcare and will put power back into the hands of local healthcare professionals.

You may have noticed that Tim talked about priorities in this speech. He is not only doing this because Conservatives have a tendency to win elections where we talk about a small number of priorities, but also because Dalton, like most left-wing leaders nowadays, can't decide what to do first.

Tim will deliver an Ontario that is focused. Dalton has delivered an Ontario that's drifted way, way off track.

And that's a difference that puts a smile on my face.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Paging Dr. Douchebag!


Ontario Immigration Minister Dr. Eric Hoskins, he of the above silly Macleans' photo, wants you all to know he thinks Syria, supporter of Hamas and terrorism in general, is okey-dokey.

This is a humour blog, and a provincial humour blog at that, so I defer to Christopher Hitchens as he explains why praising Syria is a bad idea.

Well, actually Hoskins wasn't "specifically aware of the specific aspects of your question with regard to that country in question," which is a little weird because he's the frigging MINISTER OF IMMIGRATION and it's kind of expected that he should know these things.

Dr. Dipsh*t here has also earned notoriety as the person who, during the by-election to replace disgraced ex-Attorney General Michael Bryant in the reliably Liberal riding of St. Paul's (how else do you think these people get elected?), had the nerve to tell the Canadian Jewish News that he thought "[fair funding for faith-based schools] is an issue I want to discuss very seriously going forward." Page 19 of this edition. His boss, who kicked York-Centre MPP Monte Kwinter out of cabinet for a similar rumination, probably feels otherwise.

Would someone please explain to these Liberals that we have a Foreign Affairs Ministry in Ottawa already and that McGuinty and his cadre of chuckleheads should stop trying to choose our country's allies, mostly but not only because they are extraordinarily bad at doing it?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Turn Out The Lights Before You Leave, Dalton

This is today's Toronto Star editorial cartoon. It is drawn by the Star's editorial cartoonist, Patrick Corrigan. In case you can't read it (which was probably the intention), the "fine print" in the bottom right reads, "Your rates have already skyrocketed....need to borrow a billion to do it...."



How much of a Liberal is Patrick Corrigan? Well, I'm not sure, but he's the guy who drew this the day after Stephane Dion was elected leader of the federal Liberals.

And not even HE thinks Dwight Duncan is the brightest bulb when it comes to hydro rates.

Let that sink in for a minute.

I think Dalton should just give up now. Don't you?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Heard Around Liblogs

Introducing Heard Around Liblogs, the portion of our show where we take a look around Liblogs and find something mockworthy, or, in this case, a Liberal dumping all over Dalton.

"The oft whispered but not vocalized truth amongst Ontario Liberals, federal and provincial, is that the Premier, Dalton McGuinty, has unfortunately become somewhat of a toxic asset. Beyond friends employed directly by Queen’s Park, reliant on the good graces of the Premier’s cadres, the name McGuinty has become a curse amongst Liberals and the bulk of our supporters amongst the public at large. Be it the poorly waged HST campaign or a litany of other issues maligned against our provincial leader, fairly or unfairly, the name is not exactly a draw politically at the moment....

.....Moreover with a provincial election in the offing next fall in Ontario and anti-McGuinty ads filling the airwaves even the core Liberal base has soured on using the brand, much in the same way St├ęphane Dion was hurt by a negative image war in 2008 (if not moreso)."

You are in a world of trouble, Dalton.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

So, WTF Has Dalton Done So Far?

You Blogging Tory fans are in for a real treat today, because for my next trick, I am going to take apart every single one of the talking points on the Liberals' new website, WTF Has Dalton Done So Far. No, seriously, that's actually the name of the site. I guess this site exists because of a perception that exists among, um, everyone, that Dalton isn't doing enough.

I don't expect too many of you to visit it, so I'll summarize: The aim of the site (besides getting people to ask the very valid question of exactly what Dalton's claim to fame is) is to highlight so-called accomplishments of Dalton's government. If you're not impressed by a particular talking point, you can click a link to get another one. The link changes too, to read something snotty like "Meh, what else?" or "Boring, what else?", thus accurately summing up the electorate's reaction to Dalton's acheivements.

Anyway, enough preamble. Let's do this thing!

Positioning Ontario as North America's 'clean water technology capital' to tap into a $400 billion global market. Dalton's Water Opportunities Act, which is supposed to help us tap into this market, has a small problem: It completely fails to take into account the costs of treating and distributing water. Oh well.

More high school students are graduating thanks to targeted programs designed to keep kids in school. You know what I want to know? How many of these kids who are graduating are prepared for university? How many of those kids go on to drop out of university?

Made it easier for internationally-trained professionals to get licensed in Ontario. This only affects engineers, and the bill that made this happen annoyed environmental groups worried about public consultations into industrial activities. Why is Dalton pitting Ontarians against one another?

Lowered class sizes so that 90% of primary school students are in classes of 20 kids or less. "A new study finds that Florida's 2002 constitutional amendment mandating a reduction in the size of classes in school districs throughout the state had no discernible impact upon student acheivement."

Helping more than 120,000 newcomers each year improve their English skills and get to work. These language training programs are patterned after federal government programs. So is Dalton saying Stephen Harper had a good idea? :O

Shorter waits for cataract, cancer and cardiac surgery, joint replacements and MRI and CT scans. At a much higher cost.

Turned Ontario into a have-not province. Whoops! How did that get in there? ;)

Protected 1.8 million acres of greenspace (farmland, forests, and wetlands) around the Golden Horseshoe, including the Niagara Escarpment and the Oak Ridges Moraine. And to prove how much they care about the Golden Horseshoe and the Niagra Escarpment, they provide a link to a Toronto Star article with a picture of ex-Mayor David Miller and a prominent quote from former Communist Party President and current Toronto city councillor, Paula Fletcher. 

2,000 more police officers on our streets to keep our communities safe. Boy, I sure hope Caledonia is one of those communities.

Reformed our outdated tax system to bring 600,000 new jobs to our communities over the next decade. Introduced HST to help business, but provided tax benefits to help people - most households will see a reduction in taxes or break even. Saving businesses money so they can lower prices for consumers and compete with low-cost foreign imports. For the people reading this blog who don't like the HST, the problem with these statements is obvious. The people reading this blog who DO like the HST usually give Stephen Harper and Jim Flaherty credit for it. Like Liberal Robert Silver, for example.

Won the right to host the 2015 Pan-Am Games, which will attract 250,000 visitors and create 50,000 jobs. Just remember, Dalton: If there are cost overruns or problems with security, you can't blame Harper this time around like you did for the G20. But you won't be Premier in 2015, so never mind.

Protecting children from dangerous second-hand smoke - a cause of respiratory illness, middle ear disease, respiratory tract infections, and sudden infant death syndrome - in cars. After smoking is made illegal, though, don't expect the government to do anything about the underground trade in cigarettes. It's not like they put 2,000 police officers on our streets to keep our communities safe, or anything.

Creating thousands of good jobs, building high-tech manufacturing plants, and attracting billions of dollars in green energy investment to Ontario through the Green Energy Act. Would that be the Green Energy Act that the United States, Japan, and the European Union are currently complaining to the World Trade Organization about?

Phasing out dirty coal-fired plants to protect people's health and our natural environment - and replacing it with clean, renewable sources of electricity. They did promise to eliminate coal fired plants entirely by 2009, but, well, ya know. And then they tried to build a "clean" gas plant in Oakville instead, but, well, ya know. 

Launched full-day kindergarten to give kids the best start in school - and help working parents. Dealt with here.

Cut the price of generic drugs in half by eliminating waste in the pharmacy system, making medicine more affordable. I know Dalton doesn't like pharmacists, but I didn't expect him to refer to them as "waste" that needed to be eliminated.

Electronic medical records for 5 million patients, meaning less chance of error and faster test results. Yeah, pay no attention to that whole "E-health" thing. Totally overblown. 

Built a reliable energy supply by adding 8,000 MW of new electricity to the grid (enough to power millions of homes). Too bad that tidbit got buried in the middle of an article about how Dalton screwed over Northerners. And how did he screw over Northerners? Well, he "Offset higher energy costs for 300,000 Northerners with a credit of up to $200 each," which is almost enough money to heat your home for a few hours in Dalton's Ontario.

Reduced emergency room wait times by almost 25% so the sick and injured get the attention they need. I guess you do have to work fast when your emergency room is located in a hospital garage. Still, that's better than closing the ER entirely. 

Shorter wait times for cancer radiation treatment, and more patients are now receiving treatment. The actual report says,"The Ontario averages [...] are still approximately 10 percentage points from meeting the targets." Oops.

Froze MPP salaries and public sector wages to help cut government expenses and reduce the deficit. Hey, you know what would really help reduce government expenses? LESS SPENDING. Of course, Dwight Duncan thinks he can balance cuts with spending and everything will be okey-dokey.

Increased the number of wind turbines in Ontario from 10 in 2003 to almost 700 now, reducing our reliance on dirty coal. And placed themselves in the pockets of special interests while doing it!

Helped 1 million more Ontarians find a family doctor - meaning that every half hour for the past seven years, eight new patients got a doctor. Helping Ontario, as a province, find more doctors isn't going as well.

And finally....

Bringing the International Indian Film Academy Awards (the Bollywood equivalent of the Academy Awards) to Ontario in 2011, which will attract 40,000 visitors.

.....yeah, I'm OK with that one. Can't find anything wrong with an award show. Unless they find a way to give Avatar the Best Picture award. God, I hated that movie.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Don't Mess With Family

Business is good for a conservative clown like myself, tasked by the Powers That Be with the solemn duty of making constant fun of our McPremier. Lately, Dalton has been goofing and gaffeing like it's going out of style.

Tipping your hand on your election strategy a year early is just plain dumb. And what an election strategy it is! Attacking people who are NOT running for Premier, such as Tim Hudak's wife. If the PC Party of Ontario got caught up with details like the fact that Terri McGuinty basically said she was embarassed to be seen with her husband on the campaign trail, we wouldn't be poised to form the next government.

Bashing a guy's wife is an excellent way to make a case for yourselves as a progressive party. Speaking of so-called progressive parties, just look at the Liberals' plan for the NDP. The NDP will throw money at problems? Well, whatever the NDP's faults are, they weren't the people who led us into last place in Confederation economically. I think Dalton's tendency to throw money at problems may have had something to do with that.

The Liberals say they will make this election a referendum on Tim Hudak, and if that's the case they might as well not even show up next year. We have a young, fresh, competent leader who will take full advantage of Ontarians' desire for change. They have Dalton. Not to mention the fact that the Liberals got creamed in the last election they tried to make into a referendum on the conservative guy in the race.

Then we have the revelation that the Liberals are worried about being branded as “incompetent, arrogant, out of touch, wasteful, tired, scandal-ridden, liars . . . in the pocket of consultants.” Notice that they do not say they have already been branded as all of that and a lot worse, but that they see it as merely a distasteful possibility. Also notice that they are worried about the other two campaigns attacking them as such, not the voters doing so.

But perhaps the stupidest thing about this leak was that Greg Sorbara, the guy who will be chairing the Liberals' campaign, ruled out the idea of negative ads. Remember this quote, because I'll be referring to it often:

“I’m not going to tolerate a campaign that is driven by negative advertising. It will not happen.”

Got that? Now, we know Sorbara couldn't keep that promise if he wanted to, but EVERY TIME the Liberals bash Tim Hudak from now till Election Day, they are not just using desperation tactics, they are liars.

I'm not even going to touch the idea of the Liberals' plan to brand Hudak as a puppet. Some jokes are just too obvious.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

International Incident

So it seems that Dalton's strings are being pulled by other powers as well as those within our own province.

I can see why Liberals love China. Relatives of government officials in China are able to hit ordinary people with their cars without penalty, something which is done with alarming regularity by members of Dalton's government. Dalton likes to use people in photo ops, and so does the Chinese government. The Chinese government won't stop until it controls everything and anything, and Dalton is, well, Dalton. The main difference I can find between Ontario and China is that Dalton is more popular there than he is here.

For an Education Premier, Dalton doesn't seem to be too concerned about the difficulties grad students are having here in Ontario. It's a fact of life that university students don't pose for cute photo ops very often with the Premier so perhaps that's understandable. And it's also understandable that a Premier that campaigned so memorably for inequality in government funding for education during the 2007 election would extend these scholarships to Chinese students only and not to students from other trendy countries. (Maybe Dalton had some bad Indian food the other day?)

It's not just whiteys like myself that are annoyed about this. Native Ontarians have a right to be angry at the lack of support Dalton and his alleged Minister of Aboriginal Affairs Chris Bentley shows to native students, too. So until Dalton takes responsibility for that, he and his goons might want to think twice before hurling accusations of racism at Conservatives.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Short and To The Point #2

Q. Why does the Toronto Star bury a story that, if true, reveals an enormous conflict of interest between Oakville Mayor and Liberal supporter Rob Burton, Oakville Hydro, and Dalton's gang of slippery stooges?

A. Because it's the Toronto Star.

Anyone care to elaborate on a possible connection between this and the recent stinky coal plant fiasco in Oakville?

Monday, November 1, 2010

He Thinks He's People

I love it when Liberals prove that what we are saying about them, and their lifeless, listless leader is hitting the mark.

A few days ago, the Toronto Star wrote a very strange article that nobody paid attention to because everyone was still pinching themselves after the Ford victory. It was, by all appearances, an attempt to show that Dalton is still just a regular guy by showing him raking leaves in front of a house that he doesn't actually live in anymore.

Liberal propaganda from the Star is nothing new. And, every politician likes to show that he or she is just a regular person, just like you, no matter how ridiculous that seems.

But it wasn't until today that I remembered another attempt by the Liberals to humanize their reptilian leader. It was called dalton.ca, and it doesn't exist anymore because it failed spectacularly. There is evidence that it did exist at one point, however.

dalton.ca was, by all accounts, a pretty neat website. I vaguely remember pictures of Dalton smiling awkwardly in that forced manner of his with his wife and family. We'll never know how much dalton.ca cost. (In that respect it did resemble Dalton quite well.)  You don't remember dalton.ca because the Liberals spent the 2007 election talking about faith based schools instead of dalton.ca. Trying to demonize John Tory proved a much more effective strategy than trying to humanize Dalton.

When more people buy the idea of John Tory as a villain than the idea of Dalton as someone you'd eat a burger with, you have a problem. It's all very reminiscent of attempts at the federal level to humanize another faltering Liberal leader.

A clown sees life simply, without complications, so I ask: Why the constant attempts to make people believe that Dalton is what he really isn't? Ontarians can see that Dalton is a stiff, wooden puppet of the elites that currently control this province.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Boom Boom Pow

By now you've heard all about the Rob Ford victory in Liberalville and how it's a hop skip and a jump from here to Majority-land for the PC Party of Ontario. The Toronto elites are committing mass suicide with lattes laced with toilet bowl cleanser. Yippee-ki-yay.

People are treating Ford's win like a joke that you laugh at, but you don't know why you laughed. No matter how conservative you are, some part of your brain is going, "This guy is mayor? Of Toronto?" today.

The best clowns can not only tell a joke well, but can explain what makes the joke funny without killing the joke. By explaining Ford's win in terms anyone can understand, this is what I will attempt to do today. Wish me luck.

I could use Friedrich Von Hayek to explain the phenonemon among voters, but nobody knows who that is, so let's use something just as intellectual: The Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow."

I remember first hearing this song driving down Avenue Rd. in Toronto and getting stuck near Bloor due to the traffic caused by construction that has lasted for some years now.  I remember feeling annoyed with Toronto City Hall. (There's a weird synchronicity in that, or maybe it's because people are always annoyed with Toronto City Hall, Mayor Ford or no Mayor Ford.)

gotta get that boom boom BOOM
gotta get that boom boom BOOM

I wasn't sure at first if this was some sort of joke on *me*. Was something wrong with my radio? This was a hit song? "It's just the same words over and over again," I said. I switched off the radio, thinking I'd never hear the song again.

Of course, unless you lived under a rock during the summer of 2009, you couldn't get away from that song. It was repeated endlessly, everywhere you went. The record ended up breaking records, despite the fact that the song made absolutely no sense. We never figured out what the boom boom pow exactly was or why it was so desirable. DOESN'T MATTER. If you were thinking about why people loved this repetitive and silly song, you were so two thousand and late. Or maybe you were Glen Murray. Same thing.

Before "Boom Boom Pow", we had "Don't Phunk With My Heart" and "My Humps". It was important for the Peas to establish themselves over a period of several years as reliable hit-makers who consistently put out danceable jams with recognizable hook-y choruses before they built  up to "Boom Boom Pow." You might say they crafted a message that resonated with people.

So we have a song that was simple and repetitive, didn't bother with details, was superpromoted, and followed in the footsteps of other similar hits. Sound familiar yet?

gotta stop that gravy TRAIN
gotta stop that gravy TRAIN.......

..........PEEEEEOPLE IN THE PLAYYEEEAAAAACCE......IF YA WANNA GET DOWWW-OWWWWN......

*chorus of boos*

OK, OK. You get the picture.

The reason why Rob Ford is Mayor of Toronto has very little to do with Rob Ford and has everything to do with his campaign having beats so big they were steppin' on leprechauns. Tim Hudak will have to demonstrate in a similar fashion that he's on that HD Flat with 808's that boom boom in your town, and make the case that Dalton McGuinty is stuck on lo-fi stupid 8-bit.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Short And To The Point

The McGuinty government tried to ban the KFC Double Down because they care about the health of Ontarians.

Oh wait....no they don't.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Regulated to Death

In my last missive, I dealt with the Liberals' Mike Harris obsession, one they appear to have no intention of letting go of. Today, we'll crack open another Liberal chestnut, specifically, Deregulation Kills.

It's an unfortunate reality that people die every day, but in the Liberal universe, people *only* die because of conservative ideology. Some conservative somewhere sometime did something or didn't do something and people are dying today (or will die in the future) because of it. If everyone was a Liberal, everyone would presumably live forever, as the Nickelback song clearly demonstrates.

Accidents of any sort are due to a lack of regulation in the Liberal universe.  That's why we have laws enforcing zero blood alcohol levels for teenagers and banning street racing. For the longest time, we were without a law banning cell phones in cars, for which many people chided McGuinty for being out of step with the rest of the civilized world. The idea is if we ban things RELATED to automobile accidents, people won't find other ways to kill each other and themselves with their cars. The ultimate solution is of course to declare war on the car itself.

Gun crime in Toronto is due to handguns coming from the United States, and, more importantly, the lack of regulation banning handguns. While the outgoing mayor is the biggest proponent of this particular idea, the Premier is a strong supporter of the ban. It couldn't be that criminals will find other ways to import handguns or just use other weapons to commit crimes. Pitbulls bite people, so the obvious solution is to ban them. In this case, even the Toronto Star conceded that the ban hasn't stopped dogs from biting people, which begs the question of why they thought a piece of paper written by the government would alter dog biology so that the dogs would stop doing what they've done since forever.

You can try this same fun thought experiment in any setting. Watch an episode of Mad Men with your friends. Why do they cover their eyes whenever a character casually lights up a cigarette or drinks heavily? Because they can't believe that at one point in time, it was OK to behave that way. The whole thing smacks of deregulation and conservative attitudes and simply WON'T DO and that's why we have eliminated smoking and binge drinking in our enlightened and much more regulated era. Well, no, we actually haven't done that, but that's because those deregulatory attitudes from back then are still with us. Fifty years after Don Draper, he and his Neanderthal ideas are the cause of all those deaths due to smoking and alcoholism today. See how convenient and easy it is to blame everything on deregulation?

The Ontario Liberals like to stop just short of saying that Mike Harris and his government murdered the people of Walkerton. And obviously, since the PC Party of Ontario and everyone else concerned wouldn't have LEARNED anything from Walkerton in the ensuing decade, the implication is that people will start dropping dead of tainted water the second we elect a Tim Hudak government, one decade later. Of course I could point out that there were a number of factors that contributed to the Walkerton tragedy- incompetence, local cover-ups, and an NDP government that split off responsibility for management of water treatment plants from the Ministry of Environment, but doing that would make Bob Rae look bad, and we can't have that.

Yet- somehow- people continue to die under the McGuinty government. When bad things happen to people under Dalton McGuinty's government, and it can't be linked to Mike Harris, the first thing Dalton usually does is blame Stephen Harper. Seniors end their days in poorly maintained retirement homes in Dalton's Ontario. Sick and dying patients can't access ERs. During an H1N1 outbreak last year, when people such as 13 year old Evan Frusataglio were dying, McGuinty said he wouldn't force people to get the vaccine. Should we therefore blame Dalton for Evan Frustaglio's death?

Uber-statist Michael Bryant, he of the "reverse Reaganism" theory, decided that the government must be given total authority to decide who shall live and who shall die. Soon afterwards, he put his theory into practice by killing Darcy Allan Sheppard. ("But Mr. J, he did 'what anyone else would have done!!!'"....Funny, I never hear about any attempted carjackings that end with the victim killing the carjacker. Must be those unreported crimes I've been hearing so much about.) Also, it's worth pointing out that Bryant did this with his car, despite the ban on street racing, talking on cell phones, blood alcohol levels, etc. etc.

Regulation doesn't prevent death. Deregulation doesn't cause it. Death (like taxes) will continue to be a fact of life under the McGuinty government, or any government.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Harris-ment

With a year left to the election in 2011, it's worth taking a little time to speculate about what direction the Liberal campaign strategy will take. Now, I'm really going out on a limb here, but I have the distinct feeling that the Liberals will talk about this guy quite a bit:



Mike Harris Mike Harris Mike Harris MIKE HARRIS Mike Harris. Before, during, and after his time as Premier, for what seems to be as far back as I can remember, the Ontario Liberals have been all about Mike Harris. Scratch that- Ontario politics, period, have been all about Mike Harris.

Harris's party hasn't held power for seven years. He hasn't been Premier for eight years. DOESN'T MATTER. The Ontario Liberals live and die, to this very day, on the premise that they are as different as possible from the Mike Harris Tories. Not the Ernie Eves Tories, whom they beat, or the John Tory Tories, whom they also beat, but the Mike Harris Tories, whom they never beat. (Maybe their obsession with Harris stems from the fact that they never beat him?)

Now, the Tories can *also* try to be as different as possible from the Mike Harris Tories, which is a big part of the reason why John Tory became leader. When they did that, however, the Ontario Young Liberals made a video saying that John Tory actually *was* Mike Harris. And people believed them. That's why I roll my eyes every time the Liberals sigh, "You know, it's too bad the PC's didn't go with a more progressive leader," or some similar nonsense.

Pretty much every Liberal talking point shrivels and dies when you consider it in the context of their hate for Harris.

Liberal talking point: "We are the party of new ideas and forward thinking!"
Me: No you're not, because you spend your time scaring people with memories of a Premier who hasn't been Premier for eight years.  

Liberal talking point: "Dalton McGuinty is a consensus builder! Everyone's welcome in Dalton's Ontario!"
Me: Everyone except people who like Mike Harris.

Liberal talking point: "Tim Hudak's criticism of the Liberals is juvenile, repetitive, and doesn't offer any solutions!"
Me: And you blame Mike Harris for everything that goes wrong or has gone wrong in our province. Juvenile, repetitive, and no solutions offered. 

You know how Tim Hudak talks about the Liberals being out of touch and out of gas?

You know what proves that better than anything else?

The fact that the Liberals are going into an election next year and the biggest stick they have to beat the Tories with is a Premier who hasn't been Premier for eight years.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Venom and Vitriol

My taxfighting buddy Justin Samlal, who is running (while his three opponents could charitably be described as walking) to become the next Councillor in London's Ward 7, asked me this past weekend about the whole "clown" thing I`ve got going on during his opening sign blitz, which, I`m pleased to report, ended when we ran out of rebar for the signs but definitely not sign locations.

"Clowns are scary," he said. "Why do you like them?" (Sorry if I just lost you the clown vote, Justin. :P)

To some people, clowns are scary. To some people, conservatives are scary. But really, clowns are just trying to make people laugh, and conservatives are just trying to make people self-satisfied and self-sufficient.

A clown, as this very 90`s website tries to convey, "exaggerates everything about himself, his pants, shoes, collars, ears, and wig are bigger, wider, or baggier than is usual." That white makeup and the red nose and lips that gives everyone the shivers is meant to be an exaggeration of the human face.

The clown, through his exaggerated antics, is trying to show man's true colours. He brings things we wouldn't normally talk about out into the open. Does the truth scare you, or does it make you smile? :)

We know how Jim Coyle, Star columnist and Liberal cheerleader extraordinaire (kind of redundant to be saying that), feels about the truth being told by members of the PC Party of Ontario. Coyle sniffs that we shouldn't be pointing out the unfortunate implications of a McGuinty government plan to introduce cell phones into classrooms, or suggest that the Premier is asking people to wash their clothes in the middle of the night when he decides people need to do laundry at off-peak hours.

Of course, when Liberals get into hot water (or maybe milk, all the better to go with cookies), Coyle is quick to rush to their defence.

Others have pointed out how Jim is OK with Liberals clowning around, but not conservatives. My favourite example is an oldie but goodie- back in the Mike Harris days, some local "artists" put together a calendar comparing the Common Sense Revolution-era PC's to medieval torturers. If you Control-F your way down that page, you'll find an approving quote from Jimmy, who thought the calendars would "make you laugh- if they don't make you cry."

Jim's own paper reported the news today that the Liberals backed down on opening an unpopular gas powered plant in Oakville rather than stand up to a maverick MPP that wanted to keep his own seat next year. If I pointed out the obvious joke about how Dalton was trying to "avoid a stink" by shutting down a gas plant, would that be  "playing Ontarians as idiots"?

What if I pointed out how Coyle's suggestion in today's missive that Christine Elliott isn't capable of writing her own speeches reminds me of his dismissive characterization of Christine as a "nice church lady" in an article he wrote during the PC leadership race last year (one he apologized to Elliott for personally, an apology he doesn't seem to have meant?) Who's really playing people for idiots, Mr. Coyle?

Professional Liberals like Coyle are afraid of the unknown....of things we don't talk about in polite society. Of the uncomfortable but necessary places where real humour, and conservative truths, come from. 

And that's the biggest joke of them all.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Very Special 1-Year Anniversary

Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You......
Happy Birthday, Dear eHealth.....
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuu!

Yes, it promises to be a spectacular 1-year anniversary for everyone's favourite health-related scandal. I know kids' birthday parties are getting more and more expensive these days, but everyone knows eHealth is the Ontario Liberals' baby, and nobody's offspring is more spoiled than that of our McPremier.

Of course, every parent lives in fear of the terrible twos. What a delicious birthday present it would be if the Liberals were turfed on election day 2011, which just happens to coincide with the day Dave Caplan announced he would quit as health minister?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dirty Laundry

It's getting to the point where every time Dalton screws up, I have a hard time choosing from the hurricane of puns that spring to mind when sketching out these little blogposts of mine.

"Dalton's laundry comments don't wash," perhaps? How about, "That's another stain on Dalton's record"? Or maybe the slightly more risque, "Dalton is desperately trying to change the sheets after sh*tting the bed on Friday?"

Extra strength bleach won't clean up  the mess this move will cause in heavily Jewish Thornhill, as Saturday is the Jewish Sabbath and Dalton seems to feel that Saturday is laundry day.

But there's a bigger story here, and that's Dalton's muddying of the waters surrounding whether he will or won't rule out an increase in hydro rates. The news that 76% of Ontario voters saying they're sick of the mess Liberals have made in Ontario means that Dalton's underwear must be turning a distinct shade of yellow, and since Dalton's squeaky-clean image has taken such a beating over the last little while, he can't afford to take a firm stance on an issue which would have at one time been a clean sweep.

How much deeper will Dalton sink into the muck before Tim Hudak brushes him off like dirt off his shoulder?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Bland Works

There's a certain breed of Westerner who, going against the grain as Westerners do, comes to our great province looking for a political challenge. Cowboy hat firmly in place, they talk about bringing Western campaign smarts to the table.

I ran into one of these gunslingers at a conference in Markham the PC Party held this weekend. He talked about campaigning all over the Prairies with no small amount of success, stirring up cattle stampedes wherever he tied his horse.

I informed the new sheriff in town that here in Ontario, the big reason why we don't have HST uprisings like they do in B.C. is because, as William Grenville Davis once put it, "Bland Works".

And that's when it hit me. Dalton's lack of success lately has a lot to do with forgetting that very simple truth, as this Sun article makes plain. The Premier is stirring the pot needlessly with issues like mixed-martial arts, Internet gambling, the eco-fee screwup, and trying to embarass the Ombudsman. It isn't so much what Dalton's doing. It's the needlessly divisive way he's doing it. (Ooooh, getting to call a Liberal "needlessly divisive". Feels good. :P)

A good joke, much like good governance, is all in the delivery.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Operator? Operator?

I've heard of bad cellphone reception before, but this is ridiculous.

Cellphones in classrooms? Sure, why not. We can't have teenagers drink a beer and drive, but we can certainly have them using cellphones in class, when they're trying to learn. I guess what matters for the education Premier is that we have warm bodies in classrooms, not that any actual learning takes place. After all, this is the guy who talks about the fact that teachers aren't striking as if it's an achievement worthy of praise.

Would someone please explain how it is that junk food should be banned in Ontario schools, but cell phones shouldn't? Is Dalton deciding what to ban based on throwing darts at a dartboard?

Oh, but it gets better. Dalton won't allow his cabinet ministers to use Blackberrys during cabinet meetings. Actually, that might be a good idea, as a text convo between Liberal cabinet ministers might look something like this:

DocNiceHair: I'm a cabinet minister, LOL
DivaPupatello: OMG stop txting me, n00b!
DocNiceHair: LOL, ur hot
DocNiceHair: I'm a dr. so I'm good with my hands if u kno wat I mean, LOL ;)
$$$ FinMinBalla $$$: Yo step off lamer, Windsor crew 4 lyfe
DivaPupatello: Thx DD :)
DocNiceHair: :*(
GoldToiletGuy: Ya, I rep Windsor too :P
$$$ FinMinBalla $$$: WTF ur from Winnipeg
GoldToiletGuy: Close enough
GoldToiletGuy: Out in the peg we aspire to be doing as well as u guys are doing in Windsor ;)
LaDemoiselle: Je suis le seule francophone dans cette Cabinet. Tabarnac! :@
ScarlemWorld: I can haz portfolio plz?
JonBairdHata#1: Ottawa light rail 2 nowhere FTW! :D
SmoothLawyer: Uggh, I am way too intelligent for this....I hear the London West PC nomination is open....

Yeah, a ban might not have been such a bad idea for Dalton's cabinet.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Little Wooden Boy

When you're a clown like me, you see the same things everyone else sees, but you see them a little differently.

All you have to do is communicate your observations to the people around you, and they laugh.

They laugh because they now see what you saw. Maybe they noticed it before, but now you have thrown light on the subject.  Now everyone can see what was previously hidden.

For example, pretty much everyone and their brother has compared Dalton to Pinocchio. The comparison itself is pretty well known by now, and it's a pretty fitting description. He looks like Pinocchio. He lies like Pinocchio. He has that wooden awkwardness in front of the camera that he's never been able to shake, just like a certain little wooden boy. But I think the Pinocchio analogy works for a different reason, and it becomes clear if you ask one question:

Who is this guy who we call our Premier?

When people try to describe Dalton the person, I usually hear descriptions of *what* he is. He's the son of a prominent politician. His brother is a popular MP. He's the Premier. He's from Ottawa. He's married with four kids. He flip flopped on this or that promise.

None of that tells us anything about Dalton the person.

Is he a particularly good debater?

Is he a red or blue Liberal?

Who are his political heroes?

What was his relationship with his dad like?

Does he like to play any sports?

Most people couldn't tell you the answers to these questions, including most well connected political people. We act like Harper is a real mystery, but at least we know he can play the piano.

The Premier is a complete cipher. If Dalton was turned off and put in a closet at the end of the day like an appliance, we'd never know. It'd probably even fit well with what we know about him.

We try to characterize him as Premier Dad, who's always sternly telling us what to do and never letting us think for ourselves, and then we turn around and try to characterize him as a weak flip flopper who can't keep a promise to save his life. So which is he? No Dad worth his salt would be flip flopping all the time.

When I look at Dalton, I see a man who is so utterly dominated by stronger people around him that his personality is completely subsumed by them. I see a puppet on strings.

Michael Bryant was an up and coming star in Dalton's cabinet. Then suddenly he got handed the tricky Indian Affairs file and was gone soon after. Why? Because, they all said, he was overshadowing the Premier.

George Smitherman was Dalton's attack dog and Deputy Premier. You tangled with Furious George at your peril. Then, he quit to try and become Mayor of Toronto. And again, everyone said it was because Furious George was becoming the 800-pound gorrila (guerilla?) in the room and that his eHealth antics were becoming unhealthy to Dalton's reputation.

Greg Sorbara was one of Dalton's top consiglieres. He beat the rap after being investigated by the RCMP for shady dealings. Then, suddenly, after the 2007 election, he was gone. This was an election in which he had a major role. Why quit so soon afterwards? Did he not get the credit he felt was due? Or was there no more glory to be had as Dalton's right hand man? Remember, this is a man who wanted to be leader of the Ontario Liberals, but lost to Lyn McLeod. And you never stop wanting to be leader....unless you don't think it's possible....or unless people won't let you steal the Premier's limelight.

What these examples show is that it's pretty easy to completely eclipse the guy who's supposed to be the captain of the S.S. Ontario Liberals. Nervous advisers, and not-so-nervous ones, will do quite a lot to keep some overzealous lieutenant from cutting the puppet's strings, it would seem.

Now think about Dalton's recent summer of flip flops. As the Toronto Sun duly  notes, it's not clear if the ship is being captained by anyone at all.

I am a partisan conservative, but it isn't a stretch to imagine that Dalton's strings are being pulled by the opposition at this point.

Among the more ridiculous suggestions I heard during the Ombudsman's recent skirmish with the McGuinty government was the claim, made by an amateur Liberal performer with whom I am on decent terms, that the Opposition actually pressured McGuinty into reappointing a "corrupt ombudsman", and that the ensuing fracas was their fault, not his. An ombudsman who has been hugely damaging to McGuinty's authority to govern, and whom McGuinty could have fired, but didn't.

Now if that doesn't make Dalton look like a puppet on a string, I don't know what does.

"I've got no striiiings....to hold me down....."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Pop Quiz!

School's in! Time for the "education premier" to show us what he's remembered over the summer. Please use full sentences when answering and show your work.

Q. Which Premier is introducing full-day kindergarten for kids who are still not old enough to make it through the day without a nap?

Q: Which Premier is doing the tired old "turn back the clock to crumbling schools" routine despite doing nothing to prevent schools from closing a few years ago?

Q: Which government has failed to meet their own goal of 75 percent of Ontario students in Grades 3 and 6 meeting the provincial average on reading, writing, and arithmetic tests?

(By the way, I like using Star articles to embarass the McPremier. We know they're going to endorse him in 2011, but for now, let's enjoy the backbiting while it lasts.)

Q: Is it me, or does Dalton look a whole lot like McLovin from Superbad?
                                            

                                             


Q: From the same article, which government was made to look like a bunch of goofs by the same teacher's unions they've bought peace with for the past million years when the head of the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario opposed the idea of provincial testing?

Q: Which Premier decided to localize his latest propaganda video in the same enchanted forest as another hapless Liberal leader?

Now for some word problems! :)

If Ontario schools raised over $592.6 million this year to pay for basic school supplies, but Dalton wants to implement a $1.5 billion full day daycare program, how many schools will have to contract out their students as workers like the prisoners in The Shawshank Redemption to make up the shortfall?

Next question:

An Ontario parent is trying to keep from being hauled off to the poorhouse in Dalton McGuinty's Ontario. They have to pay the HST, eco-taxes, the health tax, the highest property taxes in Canada, for eHealth, for LHINs, to protect insurance frauds, for Dalton's campaign team, and now for full day daycare. Now Dalton is saying that people should elect him for the third time as Premier next year.

Where does that leave Ontario parents?