Monday, August 30, 2010

A Little Thought Experiment

This, in case you haven't noticed, is a blog about provincial politics. It would be silly to post about municipal races on a blog about provincial politics. So I'm told. Ahem.

But....since this guy will be playing a major role in the provincial election......

.....and since a lot of provincial Liberals and PC people are watching to see if this guy can win....

....and since this is supposed to play a major role in both elections.....

Well, maybe a bit of speculation on what happens in the municipal arena can be helpful. Sometimes, the court jester gets to say things the rest of the court wouldn't say.

So.....I think that....

If he can win despite his involvement, then the way forward for them is clear.

But if his involvement leads to him losing, then maybe this isn't enough, and what's needed is a little of this.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

A Lucky Charm Offensive?

The best jokes are the ones that make you think, and this clown is always looking for new material to make you, as well as any big-time PC strategists out there, think about our upcoming big show in 2011 as all of you chuckle along with me.

Today your intrepid correspondent was trading barbs with a soldier in the enemy camp and he heard a good one. Let me share it with you.

If Dalton doesn't pull a disappearing act before E-day so he can try to save the federal Libs from their Ignatieff induced idiocy, it is possible that he will try to make nice with some of the people he's p.o'ed. Efforts to change the channel may come as soon as the summer is over, and a new initiative to recruit doctors and other health care professionals to curb drug abuse may be intended to smooth over the mess created by the LHIN shenanigans.

For my part, I am heavily into drug abuse. It's true! I run into Shoppers Drug Mart all the time and start yelling insults at the bottles of Pepto Bismol!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dalton in Blunderland

It'd be pretty hard to be taken seriously as a PC Party-supporting humour blog if proper mockery wasn't directed at the news that the Erie St. Clair LHIN spent $9,500 to bring two Disney consultants to give a speech.

The Pinocchio joke is too easy to make here, as are choice comparisons with Tinkerbell, Dumbo, Goofy, Mickey Mouse, and Dalton wishing upon a star. .

No, there must have been SOMETHING we could have learned from the Disney presentation. I decided to think back to what I learned watching Disney cartoons as a little clown, and I remember lovingly drawn animated tales, that, if you looked past the outrageous racism, traumatizing moments, and substance induced hallucinations, had many important things to teach us. Like how not to trust that scheming uncle of yours, because he'll take over Pride Rock and frame you for the murder of your dad. I credit "The Emperor's New Groove" for teaching me that you don't have to explain major plot points in your story to your audience (@ 3:50 here.) I never did figure out what the deal was with Captain Hook and Mr. Smee from "Peter Pan." You can't tell me that something wasn't going on between those two.

Maybe the purpose of the Disney speech was to help Dalton's cabinet ministers discover who they are in the Disney canon! You know those annoying Facebook quizzes that everyone spams you with where you can find out which Disney princess you are? With the amount of people who waste their time figuring out that stuff, there must be a powerful need for people to learn which animated character in children's cartoons they resemble the most. Suddenly 9.5 G's doesn't seem all that much to find out that Kathleen Wynne would look awesome in a Princess Jasmine outfit. I won't use Photoshop to draw that picture for you, but I will post this picture of Kathleen Wynne here:

And this picture of Princess Jasmine here:

And, I'll let your mind work out the horrifying conclusion. By the way, yes, I am evil. :)
Wait, I've got it! The Disney meeting was a strategy session for Dalton and co. to announce their ridiculous policies in the form of songs! Anyone who's watched one of those jukebox musicals like "We Will Rock You" lately knows that the only reason people go to those things is to see what amounts to a cheap concert where covers of their favourite songs from their teen years are played with lame comedy filler in between. If Dalton announced his announcements in the form of Disney songs, people would be too razzle dazzled to question them! I can see it now....

Reporter: "Mr. Premier, this idea to allow teachers to give students zeroes on late assignments is the dumbest idea you've had since the time you gave David Caplan the key to the Legislature's secret cupcake vault. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Premier: "Welllll....those kids will be going....(bursts out in a soulful, sassy contralto)....from zeeero to heeero, in no time flat! Yeeaaaah, those kids will be heroooooes, yes indeeed!!!"

Or how about:

Reporter: "Mr. Premier, what do you have to say to the 99.9% of everybody who think that the eco-tax was a colossal blunder?"

Premier: "I'd ask these people if they were really in touch with Nature. In fact, I'd ask them (does a spin and is revealed to be wearing Native American garb)....haaaave you everr heard the wolf the bluuuue corn mooooon....or asked the grinning bobcat why he griiiiiiiins...."

I guess we'll never know what we missed when the Disney speech got cancelled, but this is one wasteful incident that proves we can live happily ever after without Dalton's mismanagement.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Comments from the Peanut Gallery

I'm a trained show-person, so I can deal with most hecklers. Keep in mind that our target is Dalton McGuinty, so any would-be Liberal comedians will be laughed out of the building.

If you have some choice gags that you'd like to direct at our puppet Premier for everyone's entertainment, post away!

The Beginning of the End

Stop me if you've heard this one.....

There was this taxpayer who wanted to buy a donkey from Dalton McGuinty for $100.00. With the cameras rolling, Dalton took the taxpayer's money and gave his word that he would bring the donkey the next day, earning him a flattering front-page article in the Toronto Star.

The next day, when the media were preoccupied with some minor story, Dalton came back to the taxpayer alone to tell him that the donkey had died and that it was all Mike Harris' fault.

The taxpayer asked for his money back, but to nobody's surprise Dalton had spent it already.

Instead of getting angry, the taxpayer decided to outsmart our Premier....after all, that couldn't be too hard to do....

The taxpayer asked for the dead donkey anyway, saying he would raffle off the dead donkey without telling anyone who bought a ticket that the donkey was dead. Dalton said, "I like the way you think. Are you sure you don't want to be one of my cabinet ministers?" The taxpayer thanked Dalton, but he said he would like to stay employed after the 2011 election.

Anyway, the raffle was a huge success and it generated so much news that it even pushed Dalton's latest screwup off the front page.

Dalton came to the taxpayer and said, "How did you do?"

The taxpayer said, "I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and I made a profit of $898.00."

This was too much for Dalton's limited financial intellect, but he did ask, "Didn't anyone get angry when they found out the donkey was dead?"

The taxpayer said, "Sure, the guy who won got mad. So I gave him back his $2.00!"

This blog, The Clown At Midnight, will show over the course of the next year that there's only one joke, and it's on Dalton McGuinty's Liberals. Come and laugh it up with me, Mr. J.,  as we roast our soon-to-be-ex-Premier (over a slow flame) and laugh our way to a Tim Hudak victory in 2011. :)