Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dalton in Blunderland

It'd be pretty hard to be taken seriously as a PC Party-supporting humour blog if proper mockery wasn't directed at the news that the Erie St. Clair LHIN spent $9,500 to bring two Disney consultants to give a speech.

The Pinocchio joke is too easy to make here, as are choice comparisons with Tinkerbell, Dumbo, Goofy, Mickey Mouse, and Dalton wishing upon a star. .

No, there must have been SOMETHING we could have learned from the Disney presentation. I decided to think back to what I learned watching Disney cartoons as a little clown, and I remember lovingly drawn animated tales, that, if you looked past the outrageous racism, traumatizing moments, and substance induced hallucinations, had many important things to teach us. Like how not to trust that scheming uncle of yours, because he'll take over Pride Rock and frame you for the murder of your dad. I credit "The Emperor's New Groove" for teaching me that you don't have to explain major plot points in your story to your audience (@ 3:50 here.) I never did figure out what the deal was with Captain Hook and Mr. Smee from "Peter Pan." You can't tell me that something wasn't going on between those two.

Maybe the purpose of the Disney speech was to help Dalton's cabinet ministers discover who they are in the Disney canon! You know those annoying Facebook quizzes that everyone spams you with where you can find out which Disney princess you are? With the amount of people who waste their time figuring out that stuff, there must be a powerful need for people to learn which animated character in children's cartoons they resemble the most. Suddenly 9.5 G's doesn't seem all that much to find out that Kathleen Wynne would look awesome in a Princess Jasmine outfit. I won't use Photoshop to draw that picture for you, but I will post this picture of Kathleen Wynne here:

And this picture of Princess Jasmine here:

And, I'll let your mind work out the horrifying conclusion. By the way, yes, I am evil. :)
Wait, I've got it! The Disney meeting was a strategy session for Dalton and co. to announce their ridiculous policies in the form of songs! Anyone who's watched one of those jukebox musicals like "We Will Rock You" lately knows that the only reason people go to those things is to see what amounts to a cheap concert where covers of their favourite songs from their teen years are played with lame comedy filler in between. If Dalton announced his announcements in the form of Disney songs, people would be too razzle dazzled to question them! I can see it now....

Reporter: "Mr. Premier, this idea to allow teachers to give students zeroes on late assignments is the dumbest idea you've had since the time you gave David Caplan the key to the Legislature's secret cupcake vault. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Premier: "Welllll....those kids will be going....(bursts out in a soulful, sassy contralto)....from zeeero to heeero, in no time flat! Yeeaaaah, those kids will be heroooooes, yes indeeed!!!"

Or how about:

Reporter: "Mr. Premier, what do you have to say to the 99.9% of everybody who think that the eco-tax was a colossal blunder?"

Premier: "I'd ask these people if they were really in touch with Nature. In fact, I'd ask them (does a spin and is revealed to be wearing Native American garb)....haaaave you everr heard the wolf the bluuuue corn mooooon....or asked the grinning bobcat why he griiiiiiiins...."

I guess we'll never know what we missed when the Disney speech got cancelled, but this is one wasteful incident that proves we can live happily ever after without Dalton's mismanagement.

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