Sunday, December 19, 2010

Holiday Interview With Dalton McGrinchity!

The Clown At Midnight is pleased to announce that the one and only Premier Dalton McGrinchity has granted a request for an exclusive interview. We caught up with our beloved Premier at yesterday's OPCYA/OPCCA Christmas Party. A full transcript follows:

TCAM: Mr. Premier, thank you so much for being here.

DM: The pleasure is all mine, Mr. J.

TCAM: Yes, you're certainly correct there, it is all yours. You're looking a little green as of late, Mr. Premier.

DM: Please, call me Mr. Grinch. I have to start getting used to people not calling me "Premier" anymore. Well, that's because having to backtrack so much makes me nauseous, you know. Of course, the people of Ontario are sick of me too, so I guess it must be catching.

TCAM: Well, it's definitely true that disgust with your government has gone viral.

DM: You know what else has gone viral? The Backtrack Boogie! Seriously, it's like the soundtrack to my life! All of our lives!

TCAM: Actually Mr. Grinch, I think the soundtrack to your life would be more of the death-metal genre.

DM: You think so? I was hoping it would be more horrorcore. But, there's no accounting for people's taste, which is probably how I got elected in the first place.

TCAM: How do you do the Backtrack Boogie, Mr. Grinch?

DM: Well, it's kind of like the Moonwalk, only you don't look cool at all while you're doing it.

TCAM: Moving on....why are you wearing a mask, Mr. Grinch?

DM: If you had my record, you'd wear a mask in public too, or maybe a bag over your head. But this way, I don't have to do that fake smile of mine anymore. The mask's smile is a lot more realistic, I feel.

TCAM: Mr. Grinch, what do you have to say about the Peter Fonseca screwup?

DM: Awww, that Ignatieff is always trying to prove he can be a more ineffectual leader than me. It's kind of a competition we Liberal leaders have: Who can go nowhere the fastest? Also, Peter Fonseca is actually talented, and we can't have talented people making me look bad. He had to go.

TCAM: Mr. Grinch, how would you respond to allegations that you are, in fact, a nasty-wasty skunk?

DM: Skunks are black and white, and I only see things in green. You know, like money?

TCAM: It's not that easy being green, is it, Mr. Grinch? Though you have a rather black and white view towards conservatives, in that you think all conservatives are bad people, so maybe the skunk analogy is not too far off.

DM: It's definitely true that my government stinks quite a bit. In fact the three words that best describe it are as follows, and I quote: Stink, stank, stunk. However, there is quite a bit of prejudice against green people in our society. You look in positions of power, even in my own government, and how many green people do you see? Exactly. You're not prejudiced against green people, are you, Mr. J? Because if you are, maybe a trip to the Human Rights Commission is in order.

TCAM: Well you can colour me unimpressed at the levels of anti-green racism in Ontario, Mr. Grinch. Though I think your government might be green with envy at Tim Hudak's recent good luck. 

DM: We're certainly creating lots of green jobs! Green jobs for green people, and white-collar jobs for white people, that's Dalton's Ontario for you!

TCAM: But green jobs take away employment, Mr. Grinch. They make people feel blue.

DM: Why paint green jobs with such a broad brush? They constitute a rainbow of opportunity, even though they do cost the equivalent of a pot of gold.

TCAM: I think Stephen Taylor may delete this blog if we make any more colour puns, so let's bring this interview to a close. Any final words?

DM: Why, am I about to be hanged by the voters? Seriously though, I've screwed Ontario voters so many times that they must feel like chimneys that have had Christmas trees stuffed up them.

TCAM: Well, that image will be stuck in my mind forever, so thanks again Mr. Grinch. Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 17, 2010

How Dalton Stole Christmas!

(With the deepest apologies to Dr. Seuss....for associating Dalton with one of his characters.....)

Every Tory-o in Ontario
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Dalton McGrinchity,
Who has no idea what's happening outside Toronto,
Did NOT!

The McGrinchity hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. There are too many reasons.
It could be that he couldn't tax Christmas lights.
It could be that he couldn't regulate Christmas tree height.
But I think that the most likely reason I know,

Was that he couldn't force Ontarians to buy their eggnog from the LCBO.
Whatever the reason,
Be it lights, trees, or booze,
He knew that next year he was going to lose!
Staring down from his mansion with that McGrinchity smile
Sitting high atop his tax revenue pile
For he knew every Tory-o was beaming with pride
As they worked to toss Dalton out on his backside!

"And they're ahead in the polls!" he snarled with pure hate.
"Though I've bribed all the voters with my HST rebates!"
Then he growled, to his Liberal insider friends nervously spinning,
"We MUST find a way to keep Hudak from winning!"
For, in 2011, he knew...

...All the Ontario boys and golls
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to the polls!
And then Premier Hudak would drastically cut spending!
That's one thing McGrinch hated! The spending would be ending!

Then the Tories, he knew, would end government waste!
No more waste! No more waste!
They'd bring accountable government, where the wheels couldn't be greased!
Which was something McGrinchity couldn't stand in the least!

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every tax in Ontario, the tall and the small,
Would be cut and the personal tax rate would start to fall!
They'd stop the eco-tax. The HST would be slashed!

They'd slash! And they'd slash!
And the more the McGrinch thought of the Hudak-Tax-Slash
The more the McGrinch thought, "I can't lose all that cash!
"I can't be fed Lib leader without that cash cow!
I MUST stop Tim Hudak from winning!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!"  said that mean McGrinch guy.
He took some of his tax base and made a great big ad buy.

(Seriously, he's going to come out with negative ads during or just after the holiday season. What a Grinch! And after his campaign chair said there'd be no negative advertising, too!)And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Dalton trick!
"My own record is crap, so I'll make negative ads stick!"

"All I need is a smear quote..."
The McGrinch looked around.
But since Hudak is quite clean, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the McGrinch...?
No! The McGrinch simply said,
"If I can't find a smear quote, I'll make up some instead!"
So he called his chief spinner, who can't be named of course.
(Though this clown hears that spinner's going through a nasty divorce)

He got some scary music
And some old empty attacks
And a creepy voice-over
And some dim Liberal hacks.

Then McGrinch said, "Start smearing!"
And the hacks all dug down
Whipping up the kind of hysteria
For which McGrinch was reknowned.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
It was holiday time for Ontarians everywhere
They weren't thinking about politics, they were trying to have fun!
But for unabashed partisanship, McGrinchy couldn't be outdone
First he got the front page of the Toronna Star,

Just by buying Bob Hepburn a few drinks at the bar.
He called his union buddies at the Working Families Coalition,
And he sent them out with an all-new attack mission.
Then he told his young staffers to take the day off,
("These staffers are not my friends' kids," he would scoff)

He gave the staffers negative ads, and to the subway stops they'd slough!
(But after about 5 minutes these Liberal staffers went to the bar and got hammered. Of course, the Star reported the 5 minutes they spent protesting as the major news event of the day)   
These negative ads were both silly and cloying,
All the same old attacks that are very annoying
"Stupid! Republicans! Racists! Crazies!
Mike Harris! Walkerton! Big Business! Nazis!"
And he made more false promises, because that worked before 

That McGrinchity Dalton said he'd give away the store!
He'd give 20 more holidays! A 10-minute work week!
He'd replace the Ombudsman with one of his own clique!
He'd end racism, poverty, and all difference in wealth!
But McGrinch did not promise he could fix eHealth!

And if Hudak defeated any Liberal MPP,
Then McGrinch would appoint 'em to the M.P.A.C! 

He would quietly pass the eco-fee that he loved,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Hu(dak)!
Little Miller Hudak, who was not more than two.

McGrinch had been caught by Tim Hudak's daughter
(Even she could see right through the lies that he'd brought her.)
She stared at McGrinch and said, "Dalton M., why,
"Can't you stop being a Premier Dad kind of a guy?"

But, you know, that McGrinch was so slimy and slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. (He'd had lots of practice.) 
"Because I care about people!" the fake Dalty Claus lied,
"If it wasn't for me, then we all would have died."
"I take Ontario forward! Backward we must not go!"
"We don't need mean spirited Tory government, no!"

His fib didn't fool the child, but who cares what she thought
Cause she couldn't vote yet and her vote couldn't be bought
(But with full-day daycare and early sex education,
She'd vote Lib soon enough, thanks to the Teachers' Federation.)

The last thing Dalton swore
Was no new taxes, ever.
Which was something that he'd lied about since forever.
And when people didn't buy that, he just said, "Whatever!".

And the one speck of truth
That came off of his tongue-le
Was a lame half-apology for the G20 bungle.

He kept making promises
Burning cash all the while 

Wasting hard earned tax dollars
Like it was going out of style

Kept on bashing Tim Hudak
And his whole PC team
Never seeing his attack tactics
Were running out of steam
And then he and his caucus! (The ones who hadn't yet quit)
Worked themselves up into a partisan fit! 

Though they were all preparing, the young and the old-farty
To succeed Grinchy D as the next leader of the party!
"Ho ho ho, On-Toryo's!" they were grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out that no PC government is coming!
"They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Who-daks down in Hudak-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned McGrinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And McGrinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded angry!
His campaign had blown up in his face with a BANG-ry! 

The voters were P.O.'ed!
They were done with McGrinchy!
They wanted this lame Premier out in a pinch-y! 

Every Tory-o in Ontario was ready for war!
The voters could not afford McGrinchity anymore!
He HADN'T stopped Hudak from winning!
And as soon as he did, all the Lib insiders bailed!

And McGrinchity was left to boo-hoo and whine
About how, two years ago, he should have resigned!
"I lost all my pull! I lost all my power!"
"Justin will be Fed Lib leader! The thought makes me sour!"
And he whined for three hours, `till his whiner was sore.
Then McGrinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Conservatives," he thought, "aren't people I should abhor!"
"Maybe Conservatives...perhaps..should be listened to more!"

And what happened then...? Hudak-ville they say
That Dalton McGrinchity
Became his brother David's constituency office assistant that day!
For Liberals never learn, and they never stop spending

Which is why, across Canada, Liberal parties are ending
And soon Charest will lose! And the B.C. Libs, too!
That's the end of this poem! 

Go Blue!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

"We Failed"

Premier Dalton McGuinty admits his government “moved too quickly” and “failed to communicate” a secret regulatory change that police used to arrest people at the June G20 summit in Toronto.

Yes, Dalton, you certainly did. And this admission ought to put your government right on track. The backtrack, that is!

What do Dalton's Defenders have to say about this latest embarassment? Nothing. They're more worried about a nomination challenge that doesn't even involve their own party! Say, when was the last time a sitting Liberal MPP had to go through one of those, again?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Short and To The Point #4

Illegal. That's what the Ombudsman called the secret law enacted by the Liberals allowing police to detain protesters outside the G20.

Yeah, I see what you did there, Liberals. You thought everyone would be too P.O.'ed at Harper to notice you passed this thing without due oversight. You thought- just like you always do- that because you hate conservatives, everyone hates conservatives, and because everyone supposedly hates conservatives, that gives you the green light to do whatever you want. Only this time, you ticked off the wrong Ombusdman. And you got caught.

This is what we mean when we talk about the double standard, Liberals. This is why Rob Ford became Mayor of Toronto. This is why the Tea Party exists. Don't blame Fox News. Don't blame the National Post or big corporations. You did it.

And when Dalton McGuinty is punted out of office next year, it'll be because the voting public saw right through your little joke on them.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dalton McGuinty's PFZ (Premier Fouls Up Zone)

For the past week, Dalton and his gang of malcontent miscreants have been very whiny about the opposition's supposed lack of an energy plan. While it's not clear if the McPremier has an energy plan of his own in the first place, what is clear is that he told his staff to take the day off from doing any actual work and start campaigning between elections to try and convince people that being bribed with their own money is a good thing.

Now, I'm not paid to think up clever acronyms like "PFZ" all day, but I question the logic of asking the opposition to do your job for you when you are in government.

I'm not the only one questioning that logic, either. I was at the St. Paul's annual Senior's Steakhouse dinner a few days ago, with special guest John Tory, and let me tell you that even Mr. Tory is cracking on Dalton's lack of direction these days. He commented that the Premier is looking tired and unfocused, and unprepared for the amount of voter anger that's been thrown his way. In other words, the puppet's strings are getting frayed. For Liberals watching this space, that means that the guy who you rely on to say, "Boy, I wish more Conservatives were like that guy" is now saying your leader has run out of gas.

Now here comes fresh information from the Auditor General that proves that Dalton is in a PFZ of his own, showing that the Municipal Property Assessment Corporation is screwing Ontarians left and right (but mostly left, of course), and the McPremier's oft-touted numbers on ER wait times are, to be polite, balderdash.

Even worse, the report says the Education Premier isn't sure if the money he's throwing at schools to keep them safe is actually effective! What a bizarre state of affairs: the government wants the opposition to do the government's job, at the same time that the government is doing the opposition's job for them!

Then there's the hilariously wasteful expenses that tend to find their way into attack ads. The Municipal Property Assessment Corporation spent $1,700 on golf clubs and video game consoles? I know Dalton's government is out of touch, but come on guys, Wii Golf has been out for years! Couldn't you have just doubled up and forgot about the golf clubs? And you could have just installed the Wiis in your offices, closed the doors, and made it look like you were working!

Now, because we're in the business of differentiating Tim Hudak from the increasingly unfocused Dalton, I hereby dub the McPremier's new-found state of mind the "Premier F**ks Up Zone", or, to be polite once again, the "Premier Fouls Up Zone." Perhaps Mr. Tory can use the more polite version on the radio?

Hey I know....let's make a silly graphic making fun of Dalton being in a PFZ. Better yet, let's put it on a button!

See? Dalton McGuinty's in a PFZ because it says so on a graphic of a hypothetical button.

Gee, I wonder if Dalton's spin assassins will target the Auditor General the way they targeted the Ombudsman?

What's that? You still want to know what Hudak's plan is? Right now, Hudak's plan is to let Dalton McGuinty self-destruct.